A couple weeks back I decided to finally start reading the scriptures on my own. I did pretty good for a while, but lately I haven't done as well..... anyway, I was reading one morning about Laman & Lemuel and thought in my head "These guys are idiots! They have seen miracle after miracle (even an angel) and they still turn away" Then I laughed because I AM Laman & Lemuel! I know I am probably one of the rare few people out there who would actually admit that, but I seriously am. I can only think of 1 instance where I really feel like I saw a miracle personally and that is when I was almost crushed by a NUMBER of semi trucks. There was a massive pile up down on the freeway in Payson and I miraculously new exactly what to do to get out of the way and didn't get crushed..... I have seen things happen to other people that are miracles, but I really feel like "well yea, it can happen to them, but not to me." I feel right now in my life, like I am invisible for some reason. Like God doesn't know I am there and just like Laman & Lemuel, I want to shake my fists at him.
It seems like Faith and Patience have been the topics of RS lessons lately and I know they are for me. I really am seeing that I don't have unwavering faith. I have it for a while, then I become exhausted of it and find myself completely frustrated... which is where the patience comes in. I have none! Why can't things just go smoothly for once in my life!!! We are being tested and tried and for the most part, I have been dealing with it fine. But I have found that when something small doesn't go well or smoothly, that is when I get the most angry. "If God can move mountains, why on earth can he not give me patience for one day"... that is how I feel quite often.
I hate going into situations blind, not knowing what we are doing. I hate that people are finally starting to find out that we are moving and they are asking "where are you going? Why are you moving?" #1) Our entire motivation in moving is to become debt free! James and I have been dealing with the most ridiculous payment on this "thorn in our side" house for way too long, and after a year and a half of trying to refinance or modify and the bank isn't willing to work with us, we have decided to get rid of it and wash our hands of the darn thing! and #2) We have not felt apart of the ward here at all. Now don't get me wrong, there are some AMAZING people here in this ward, but as a whole, I haven't felt APART of the ward. I have felt like someone on the outside looking in... like I am just a visitor. As far as where we are going... well, that is where I am blind and I hate that I don't know that answer. I thought I had the answer! I thought I felt really good about moving up to Idaho where my parents have some farm land with a house on it & renting it for 3 years or so.... but then we were told from my brother-in-law and step-dad that it is pretty much inhabitable and they don't know how the renters are even living in it.... How is it that I felt really good about that but it just won't happen? How is it that James felt really good about investing in this house & it has been nothing but a sore spot for us for 3+ years now?......................
I know I am just completely going off and complaining right now, but I need to vent! I have no close friends that I talk to to get these types of things off of my chest too... so I have resorted to my blog. I just feel sad right now! We are dealing with this house crap, my car (yes that car) broke down & is ripped apart in our garage just sitting there because it is going to take more money than I care to mention to get it working properly. I feel like I am so close to getting my business going, but my girls have been trying me in every way by not taking naps during the day, and if they do, they won't sleep at the same time. Yes, I am feeling picked on today and I am ready for something to go smooth and right in my life....... & then I feel guilty for feeling this way because so many other people out there have it way worse than I do.
Bottom line, I just want to feel that God is there for me and is aware of what we are going through! I want something to go right in my life to give me hope that there is light at the end of this tunnel! I am excited about the path we are moving on with following the prophets counsel and getting 100% out of debt, but I would love some direction in which way to go. At least I have this business that I am way excited about and that I will be able to help in getting our debt paid off... now if that part of my life will go smoothly, I would really appreciate it! So much to do & not enough hands to do it all.
She loved it! All we wanted was to find something that she would love and keep on... we found that thing. She loved the jacket and the fact that my nieces, sister, and brother-in-law were laughing hysterically when they saw her get out of the car.
One side flattened since she fell asleep in the car on the way over.
Little Kenidi who did not seemed to care at all about everything going on around her. This is the costume that Brooklyn wore last year and everyone kept calling her a boy..... so this year I sewed a little bow on the top of her head.
Horrible picture, but it is the only we got of Sophie, Maddie and Brooklyn together. The 3 girls went trick-or-treating around their neighborhood and Maddie had to introduce "Dr. Ookie" to every person who opened their door.... Maddie got SUCH a kick over Brooklyn's costume.
She did such a good job and loved every bit of Halloween this year! She is getting to the age where it is fun for holidays and she was so well behaved which makes it all that much better!
