Thoughtful of Others

I just need to take a moment and get some thoughts down. This is something that I have been thinking a lot about this week & I just need to share them.

I am the first to admit that I am terrible about getting a card or gift out or going out of my way for people on their special days; birthdays, Christmas, Anniversary, wedding, having a baby and even getting Thank You cards out. I'm not just terrible, I may just win the award for being THE WORST! This past year, I wrote off all special occasions and holidays. We have been on survival mode the past year in more ways than one. We have had many changes and I just didn't feel like I could think about others on top of taking care of my family and our little lives.

Well, something happened this past week that really hit me and hit me hard..... My little brother got married! My cute, sweet little brother that I absolutely love and adore. I was so consumed & stressed (for weeks.. literally) with trying to find someone to watch my girls during the ceremony, finding clothes that would fit me, making sure my girls were dressed and ready for the reception.... (really important things) that I didn't get a card made & put together like I wanted. Oh well, I thought, I just couldn't get it together.... This is baby brother & I couldn't get a card put together! Then we were at the wedding and reception & it hit me like bricks that NO ONE got stuff to decorate their car and do something fun like that.... he has 7 siblings..... I was feeling HORRIBLE by the end of the wedding. Hardly anybody came to the wedding to celebrate with them in comparison to who they invited. Pretty much no one gave cards, money, gifts,.... almost NOTHING. People that are close to him.... his own best friend! My heart has been breaking over this. It's not the material things, but knowing that people care about you enough to go out of their way to think of you & do something for you. He is sad about it and I completely understand the feeling. When I got pregnant with Brooklyn, I had multiple showers, people were SO generous... I felt so blessed! Then I had her.... pretty much no one came over to see her/us..... then I had Kenidi, again pretty much no one...... then I had Payton.... NO ONE! My mom came to the hospital when James went and watched the girls, but not a single soul came to the hospital and then just his mom came out to help for a few days...... You feel like NOBODY cares about you.

But like I said, I am the first to admit that I am terrible at this stuff and it has been a real eye opener! His best friend didn't even go, but my brother-in-laws parents from Idaho drove 3-4 hours to celebrate with him and then drove back home that night. That says A LOT! I want to change my ways! I want to be one of those people that makes other people feel special, that they are important and that they matter. My in-laws are all great about this, sending cards for small things like anniversaries..... I know life gets so busy to where it is difficult to look outside of yourself and family, but I hope that everyone out there can look at others differently.... this has made me feel very differently about the way I look at special occasions and holidays for other people. It is a change I am willing to make and now! I am approaching these holidays different than I have in the past. I really want to think about those people that are really important to me and really put thought into what I am getting/making them. I want them to know that they are important and that they matter.

It breaks my heart that that is something that can never be taken back for my brother and his wife.... they will always feel that they weren't important enough for people to come out and celebrate with them on their special day..... I will forever look at it differently and make more of an effort for those special occasions... I hope everyone else will too!

I'm done....

I decided just now that I am done COMPLAINING on here! (I know you thought I was going to complain about something, huh?) I just watched a YouTube video of Joyce Meyer that talked about complaining. If you would like to check it out, it is titled Joyce Meyer The Power in Your Word. She is a Christian Minister, but her words are bold & to the point, which I like..... This one hit a chord with me.

My Energy Therapist told me yesterday that the reason she has me make lists (about the positive) & keep them in my notebook, is so that we are creating by sending out the positive word! So technically I should change my title & how I am approaching this & say "I am only going to speak positively on this blog from here on out"! (& take out the words DONE & COMPLAINING since these words have a negative vibration to them)

This is all stuff that I know & have read in my many books, but I sometimes find it hard to remember in those difficult moments. I need to surround myself with positive thinkers & people who are interested in changing themselves for the better so that it helps me program this into my brain & become a better person each & everyday! Maybe I should start a "Positive Thinking Group"! :)

Having a moment

I am pretty sure the only time I write on this blog is when I am having a moment.... A moment of frustration, sadness, feeling overwhelmed or fed up. I promise I am not always like this, sometimes I just need to take a moment & get it out & my blog is where I go for that.... & that brings me ti my moment of frustration. I had hoped that when moving into this ward, I would find at least one close friend that I just connect with & would do all sorts of stuff with. There are so many GREAT ladies that I am friends with & adore, but I haven't made a friend that we call each other & do things with......
As a couple, we don't have those friends that we do everything with & our kids are best friends. My husband's best friend is the closest thing we have to that, but their kids are older than ours so we still don't do a ton.
I know people have busy lives & kids, but I have reached the point that I am tired of being cooped up in the house with the kids. They need friends & I need friends to talk to. I was SO hoping that our yard would have gotten put in this year so we could spend time outside & get out of the house, but that didn't happen. I think we are getting stir crazy & it us just barely fall, haven't hit winter yet.....

I wish I had a close friend that had similar interests as me & had kids the same age as mine... Wouldn't that be perfect! :)

And that was my moment.... Now I'm done.

Freaky Experience

Last night I was watching an episode of So You Think You Can Dance on Hulu & nursing Payton. James came in & sat with me on our loveseat in our bedroom to watch. I handed him Payton when I was done nursing & I watched him as he swaddled her up with both of her swaddling blankets & walked to her bedroom to put her in her crib.

Just after 2:00 am this morning, Payton started crying. I laid in bed thinking "that's strange, she hasn't woke up this early in a really long time". I got up & went to go get her thinking "I will just keep her swaddled & see if I can rock her back to sleep." I reached down to pick her up & noticed that her arms were out & above her head. I felt around a bit more and noticed that she didn't have any blankets on. Then I brushed against something with my left arm & I realized that it was her blankets, they had been taken off of her & draped over the side of the crib. I picked her up, grabbed the blankets & rushed to our bedroom & asked James if he went in & took her out of her blankets. Of course he didn't & we started to panic. The top blanket looked like it had been opened but the 2nd blanket looked like it was just loosened & she was slipped out & then they were both draped over the front gate of the crib. This was definitely not something that could have been done by my 3 year old & my 19 month old can't get out of her crib, yet alone open doors & climb into her sister's crib, so we knew it couldn't have been one of the other girls. We started freaking out & went through the whole house twice looking in closets, under beds, behind furniture, & there was no sign of anyone having been in the house. After about 2 hrs, we finally decided to try to go back to bed, but of course being paranoid, protective parents of our 3 little girls, we left our door open with a light on out in the central area of where our bedrooms are & took another hour or so to get back to sleep.

We keep going over everything that happened & we cannot come up with an explanation of how it happened! We are feeling a bit scared & uneasy about the whole thing, but we are grateful that all of our little ones are ok, especially that nothing was wrong with Payton & that she was safe. I wish I knew how those blankets got off of her & draped over the side of the crib.

Question

I have a question that I want to throw out there & I am really interested on people's stand. Where do you draw the line in inviting people to do things? Where do you stop inviting people so the group doesn't get so large? Let me give examples so you better understand what I am asking.
Say I want to have some neighbor friends over for a play group, I invite 3 friends over with their kids & we have a great time! Well, so-&-so down the street found out about it & was offended. She speaks to another so-&-so & she becomes offended also. The fact is, I can't fit more than a couple friends & their kids comforably in my house without it feeling overly chaotic & crowded.

Another example. A bunch of neighborhood friends want to go out for a Girls Night Out. You invite 10 to 15 people & think that is a very large group already & stop the invites. Well, again, people find out & are offended they weren't invited.

So where do you draw the line? Do you stop doing things all together because people will be offended? This has been a question on my mind for almost a year now. Someone always seems to be offended that they weren't invited but it just isn't possible or realistic to invite 50 people to EVERY.SINGLE.THING you plan. I have things that I want to start up & do with some people, but I haven't dared move forward with them because I am afraid of people being offended that they weren't invited.

What are your opinions on the subject? The dilemma seems to be within the neighborhood/ward boundaries where everybody knows each other. Because of doing things with a smaller group, people get upset & start saying that our neighborhood is clicky.... so ate you not aloud to have a group of friends? I am quite frustrated with this subject & am honestly confused where you are supposed to draw the line.

Circle Living

My mom's cute friend has a blog that my mom introduced to me a week ago. This friend of her's just recently won Mom of the Year Award for California. This blog has really hit a spot for me, The whole concept is exactly something I have felt strongly about & have so desperately wanted to start myself.... Circle Living- a group of close friends that get together & share... Are just there for each other. They can meet once a month & have a yearly weekend retreat. My mom is part of a Circle Living Group with Karen who writes this blog. This particular post that she writes explains exactly how I feel

http://circlemothers.blogspot.com/2011/07/good-but-not-good-enough.html

my mom is in the top picture of this post on the very left. They have had this group for quite a few years & have been on MANY weekend retreats & major vacations with their husbands, not to mention lunches often. I SO desperately want this, to have friends like this, a group I can have their to talk to & support me.... I think I may just have to start my own group.

Check out the post, I think every woman can benefit from a group like this.

Pride & those dang things called cars

I don't consider myself a prideful person, but something has come up that makes me realize I do have some in there. In case you don't know already, I just gave birth to my 3rd little princess in less than 3 years! So what does that mean? 3 carseats & a little, tiny Acura = they simply don't fit! We literally cannot leave the house all together. My parent's have an extra car that we call "The Blue Beast". It is an older Suburban that is used to haul things & we have borrowed it, but the AC is out in it & I can't haul my 3 little girls around in good conscience in a 100 degree vehicle.

We desperately need to get a vehicle that we can all fit in. We have wanted to get a Tahoe or Suburban but need to pay cash for it. But something we have realized is how stinkin expensive the gas is on something like that! In the back of my mind I keep thinking that we could get a (gulp) Mini Van! This is where my pride kicks in.... I have always swore I would NEVER drive a mini van. I don't know if I can let myself cave on this one & be that "mini van driving soccer mom";). (Yes I do know that many of you drive these :). But I do have a psychological thing with the mini van & I don't know if I can let go of it. Am I being retarded? I know I'm not the only one that has had these thoughts.... I have heard them from others.

We need to figure something out though, I can't take this not being able to leave the house stuff anymore. Not to mention that our yard is still ripped up with big trenches in them & we can't go outside to play either.... Definitely feeling trapped & need ways to entertain my girls!

Payton's Arrival

As I mentioned before, I am known to go over due with my babies and I was not progressing at all, so we were thinking that this delivery would pretty much be the same.

This past Sunday, I was at my mom's house and decided to grab some essential oils to help induce labor. I read up on it to find the right ones and pulled them all out. I wasn't going to use them right away, but I wanted to have them for when I was about to my due date, I could use them to possibly help speed things along. That night on our way home from my mom's house, we noticed that Brooklyn was coughing and that it did NOT sound like just any cough, but a croup cough!

That night I got home and laid in bed and listened to one of hypnosis/visual imagery cds and sat and smelt the Clary Sage essential Oil, but again, did not rub it anywhere on me...... just smelt it as I did some listening. I don't know what the deal was, but I honestly dreamed all night long that I was having contractions and I ended up waking up at around 4:00 with some real contractions. I woke up about every half hour or so with contractions until about 6:00.

Brooklyn came in that morning and her cough was really bad. She sounded horrible when she tried to talk and had a bit of a wheezy sound when she breathed. We decided to kind of watch it and see if we needed to call the Doctor or not through out the day. She acted fairly normal through the morning. While Kenidi was on her nap, Brooklyn and I snuggled on the couch watching a cartoon. I was loving my alone time with her and honestly, I knew unconsciously that I was going to be having my baby later that day, all I wanted to do was spend time with my girls. I was so calm and in love all day long with them. I had contractions through out the day (that weren't terribly close to each other) and I found myself pulling things out and doing things that needed to be done before I would need to go to the hospital (all unintentional though). As the day went on, Brooklyn started to not do well so I put her on a nap in my bed to see if that would help, but by the time she woke up, she was on fire and I was feeling worried about it. I started getting the idea that my contractions were starting to pick up a bit more & I wasn't sure what was wrong with my child.... we decided to pack the girls up and run over to the Instacare.

We arrive at Instacare and luckily there is absolutely no one else there! We go in and they weighed Brooklyn and took her temperature. The poor girl had a 101 temperature and they got her to take some tylenol right away to get the fever down. She did great (really cooperated) & was acting very cute. This whole time of being in there, I am fighting contractions and trying to not make a big deal of it. We meet with the Dr. and we are confirmed on our thoughts of Brooklyn having Croup! They had to give her a steriod to open her air ways and then had her sit and breathe in a Neulizer (which she DID NOT like one bit and screamed!) At this point, she was wanting me to hold her and I was fighting pretty strong contractions..... couldn't do it, she had to go back to her dad. Finally it was done and after the Dr. came back in, he gave us the good to go. I couldn't go! I had to stop and hang on to the door frame while a strong contraction was passing. We told him and the nurses that I was having labor contractions and they asked if they needed to wheelchair me out or call 911. I told them that I just needed to let it pass and get home so that I could go to the hospital.

We jumped in the car and I called my mom. We were going to go meet her to pick up a humidifier for Brooklyn, but I told her that we wouldn't be meeting her, that we were going to be running home and packing and just bringing the girls to her. As we were pulling up to our house, I realized that I was going to be having a baby and my daughter was sick and wouldn't be able to go to the hospital to meet her new baby sister.... I lost it, I started crying! I hated the fact that I wasn't going to be able to really involve my girls in the experience. I didn't have much time to be sad since contractions were picking up and I needed to get my girls fed and the care packed up. I was prepared for the most part and had already packed all of our stuff, except my husbands..... of course he didn't think it would be happening early and hadn't packed a thing! After getting our girls fed with quick hotdogs & me being all packed, I got a little impatient and told my husband that he needed to hurry because I needed to GO! We got everything in and made it to my mom's house. Normally I go to my mom's and wait to see if things pick up more and then go to the hospital, but my contractions were so strong at this point that I felt that I needed to jump back in the car and go.

If you remember, I mentioned earlier that I hadn't progressed at all the week earlier at my Dr.s appointment. I honestly thought I would be going to the hospital and they would be telling me that I needed to go home because I was only a 1 or 2 at that point, but I wanted to know.... the contractions were strong. We got there around 9:30 or 10:00 and they got me right in, got me checked and I was dilated to a 5!!!! Holy Smokes that progression went fast! I got taken to my delivery room and was told that I would be having this baby within a few hours. They asked if I wanted an epidural right away and I said YES!...... we got word back that the Dr. was in an emergency C-Section and wasn't available!

As I waited I got my IVs put in and the cute nurse was struggling getting it in! She stuck it into my right hand and I wanted to cry. It hurt so bad, it just didn't feel right. She hit a vessel and couldn't go through it so she had to go to the other hand. She got it to go in but then got blood all over me..... then they put the wrong label on my blood vile and the lab wouldn't accept it, so.... they had to stick my arm to draw more blood. My poor body had lots of pokes that night.

The epidural Dr. was finally available but there was another lady wanting the epidural. My cute nurses fought for me and he came to my room first, it was a good thing too, as soon as he got done putting it in and I went to go move, my water broke all over the table. As weird as it sounds, I was kind of excited to experience that because I have never had it break on it's own. The Dr. came in and confirmed that my water definitely did break & that everything was going to be progressing quickly. (My Dr. was out of town so the Dr. on call ended up delivering her).

It was kind of weird this time around, the epidural was working because I could feel the numbing in my legs, but I was still feeling things that I hadn't felt with my other 2 girls. It got to the point that I felt like I needed to push the epidural button to put more in and then they came in and needed to check me. I was fully dilated and was ready to push, but she wasn't in the proper position. I waited a while for the Dr. to finally come in and he was able to slightly turn her while I pushed and she popped right into position. My next contraction I pushed 3 smaller pushes and she was out! She was born at 12:58 on June 28th and weighed 8 lbs 11 oz.
Even with having pushed the epidural button, I still felt the "ring of fire" that I have heard about. I can't imagine what it would have felt like if I hadn't had the epidural. Thanks to me pushing the button right before needing to push, it took FOREVER to wear off. I tried shortly after having her to stand so that I could go to the bathroom so I could be moved to my other room, but I collapsed while standing and they had to bring in a wheelchair and have my husband pick me up to put me in it.

I could tell just from how she was in my tummy, that she was going to be a calmer baby, and I was right. She came out and hardly cried AT ALL! She was so sweet and quiet and just wanted to observe what was going on. They let me hold her for a little bit before they weighed her and then gave her back to me to have some skin on skin time.

I honestly feel so spoiled and blessed to have this little one. She is SO good! She is a good sleeper, she's a good eater, she has just been such a little angel and her older sister's adore her! I thought my other 2 girls were really good babies (which they were), but Payton is the calmest of them all.

We only stayed 1 night in the hospital. We couldn't take having the nurses come in every hour or 2 to check on us and not letting us sleep! We also wanted to take the girls from my mom so that she could go to my step-sister's bridal shower. So last night we were home in our own bed and Payton went to bed at 10:30, woke up at 3:45 to eat and then didn't wake up again until after 7:30. James and I both felt like we pretty got a full night's sleep!

I have a calm, sweet baby and I haven't really had any pain from having her! My tailbone is still bothering me a bit and my feet are still really swollen, but I honestly can't complain, I am recovering extremely well and feel like I am able to still function in every day life pretty easily. It is definitely nice when I have a 2 year old and a 1 year old to love on and play with still :) My mother-in-law has come in from Colorado to help us until Sunday and it is so nice to have some extra hands to help and play!

She's here!

Payton Capri made her entrance into the world yesterday at 12:58 am! She is beautiful & an absolute doll! I will post my whole experience within a few days hopefully, I want to wait until I can get on a computer & not type everything on this tiny Ipod, but for now, we are home & doing well!

Insane

I find this seriously insane! My body does not like to progress in pregnancy. My first daughter was over due. I went in on my due date and I was told that there was no way I was going into labor on my own because I hadn't progressed at all (maybe a cm or something like that). I had him strip my membranes and went home and had my mom rub essential oils all over me & my labor started that night..... and went for 36 hours.... but I had her 2 days later none the less!

My second daughter I decided to just let it play out and she decided to come 4 days over due and I was in labor for 12 hours..... MUCH better than the 36 hours before!

Today I went in to get checked once again and the Dr. said that I was still a HALF cm and he couldn't even find my cervix this time around!!!! HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN!? He found it last week and the week before but suddenly he couldn't find it and I thought I was going to die while he was searching! (TOO MUCH INFO, I KNOW :) He said that he was going to be out of town next week but that he wasn't concerned about me going into labor while he was gone. I have an induction date set for July 6th and if you know me, I am VERY anti-induction and am thinking that I am going to be trying some more of those oils along with some reflexology points to get labor started closer to my due date. It will be interesting to see how my Chiropractor reacts to this news tomorrow... he thought for SURE I would have had this baby by now and last week when I told him I wasn't progressing, he seemed very upset about it & adjusted me just so that my body WOULD move and progress..... it may have had the opposite affect, but I was in pain all week from it so I won't be letting him do that again.

All I can do is laugh at this point and just pray that I don't have a 4th of July baby..... My girls just are comfy and stubborn and don't seem to want to come out!

Logical/Practical

The other day at the park, James and I got into a conversation about this.... Being logical. I mentioned how I felt that the older I get, the more logical I get..... then it came to my mind again as I was looking at people's posts on Pinterest.

I always thought that it was a good thing that I was a logical person..... Things are simple. As James and I were talking and I was talking about how logical I have become, he tells me "That's really sad"! I didn't understand, why would he feel that it was sad. Then he told me that he thought it was sad because I didn't dream anymore! I think it also made him feel sad because he realized that the main reason I have become so Logical and Practical is because of money.... everything is about what we NEED and not necessarily the wants.

I always thought that it would be fun to be a Wedding Planner or Event Planner, but there is absolutely no way that I can do those things when I feel like so much of it is a waste. So much time and money is spent on these things that last a few hours and then it is done.... James and I both agreed that I would be a horrible planner because I couldn't present ideas that cost a boat load of money. I think this is where I have struggled with designing the past couple of years. I do the practical things and make them look good on a budget, but then I never finish the rooms because the rest of it isn't functional, it is just to look good.

So many people's posts on Pinterest are decorative stuff for party ideas and what not and I LOVE them, but I can't imagine really doing them..... Is there something wrong with me! Have I lost that spark or dream in me where everything is just down to the nitty gritty. I don't want my girls to think their mom isn't fun or do fun things and their friends parties are all themed and thought out. I really feel like I really AM losing that dream or spark I may have once had!

This also applies to myself. I don't spend money at all on my hair, clothes, makeup, skin care, (you name it, I don't spend money on it)! What has happened to me?! Why can't I see past the logical and practical of everything? Am I the only one out there that is this way? I am honestly just realizing how bad it really is and I guess that it really is sad that it has gotten this far.

Down to the wire

We are getting down to the wire! I have less than 3 weeks until my due date. I went into the Dr. on Tuesday and I was dilated to a whole cm. Doesn't sound like much, but it is further than I have ever been before at this point. My Dr. says I am on track, my Chiropractor is seriously convinced that I will be going early. Her little precious head has found rest on my tailbone & while it was really starting to hurt, I decided to try and pick up my screaming/body throwing 2 year old which threw my body and decided to completely do in my tailbone! I now can no longer sit down! Do you know how hard it is to be 9 months pregnant, swollen legs and feet, chasing a 1 year old and a 2 year old non stop and NOT be able to sit down to relax! By the time dinner is done and over, I have to run and lay down on the couch to prop my feet up because they are MASSIVE balloons from not being to rest really at all. if I want to rest, I have to lay down so that there isn't pressure on my tailbone, but it is hard to finally get in the position to lay down & then my girls will want something and it is VERY hard to get back up and takes me a while to get my hips readjusted so that I can walk....... Needless to say, I am VERY/BEYOND ready to have this baby!

James has been slaving away the past few days trying to get our sprinkler system in. That project is so much work and I hate that we have to do the whole yard ourselves to save money, but it's what we have to do in order to get it in. That means that I don't get my husband much. I don't know how so many women around me do it with their husbands gone all the time. It is hard just having him outside not being able to help me at dinner time and bed time with the girls.... those are miserable times of the day for me. At least it is getting worked on and hopefully we can get some type of grass in before this little one decides to make her presence.

I hit my nesting phase a few days ago and got to the point that EVERYTHING was driving me crazy with how dirty it was. I got on my hands and knees (since I couldn't sit down anyway) and SCRUBBED doors, base boards, floors, showers, toilets, etc.... the sad thing is, I can't keep the surface areas clean for the life of me because of my 2 little rugrats! I cannot believe how hard it is to clean up after those 2, especially when my body is killing me all the time. I would love to have a day or two of my kids gone somewhere and I my normal body back, just so that I can deep clean this whole house and get everything ready for the baby to come! Oh how GLORIOUS that sounds to me right now! I actually enjoy cleaning when I don't have kids destroying what I just did and a properly functioning body. I want this house clean for when we have the baby and we have James' family here from Colorado helping. I may just have to tell my mom that she is taking my kids for a while when she gets back from her blasted trip from Tahiti! (Yes I am bitter! That is my dream vacation and this is her second time going on it!) But for now, I am laying here with my feet propped up typing away on the computer because both of my children are asleep and quite frankly, this NEVER happens! My 2 year old doesn't take naps anymore but she was beside herself and I could tell that she was in need of one and my 1 year old didn't take a great nap earlier and she decided to flop on the floor and was beside herself also so I decided to put them both down...... how glorious it has been to have this past hour and half to myself! Now I need to gear up for the fact that they won't be going to bed at their normal times tonight! Oh well, we will just go to my sister's to take care of their animals while they are gone and my kids will be in heaven.

Wish us luck on getting what we need to get done before little Payton decides to make her grand entrance into the world!

Panic Mode

I REALLY should be going to bed instead of writing this since I got HORRIBLE sleep last night, but I have reached panic mode & I am afraid that anxiety is going to kick in for the next couple of weeks.

I have 5 1/2 weeks until my due date. Tonight a friend of mine ( who is a nurse) asked me how long I had until I was due. I told her 5 1/2 & weeks, she looked at me and said " I predict that you won't go longer than 3 weeks". I told her both of my other babies were overdue & she still said 3 weeks..... It honestly hit me like a ton of bricks.... That is coming SO soon!

We are supposed to have our yard in by June 1st! Because of weather, we pretty much haven't even started it yet & my husband spontaneously decided to make plans for this weekend which means we will be gone.... No yard work getting done!

I AM PANICING! Why does everything fall at once?! I have no idea how we are going to get this yard in... especially if it keeps down pouring the way that it has been. I know we can only do what we can do.. But there is A LOT to do & of course I want it all done before that baby comes!

Small & Precious Moment

My baby girl is growing up! Tonight was Brooklyn's first night in her new big girl bedroom! I got most of the mural painted in her closet & James & I decided that we needed to call it quits for now so that we could get Brooklyn moved into that room & then move forward with getting Kenidi moved and the nursery ready for baby....

So... Tonight I was laying down with Brooklyn in her big girl full size bed & I was talking to her. I told her "Brooklyn, you are a big girl now. You are the big sister. Baby Payton is coming soon & you are going to be the big sister to both your sisters & we need to room for her.". She gets up for her spot, lifts up my shirt, pats my tummy & gives baby Payton a kiss!

This was a very precious moment for me because she usually gets upset when I try & show her my tummy or talk about baby Payton in my tummy. I think that smart little 2 year old brain of hers really does understand that she has a sister coming. Kenidi loves to give my belly kisses..... She is going to be a sweet older sister! They both will! I really had to sit & think about it today... I am on my third child! Less than 4 years ago I lived in tears wondering when I was going to be blessed with a child, & now I am about to have my third! It is kind of mind boggling when I really sit & think about it. I am getting very excited to bring baby Payton into this world & start our life with our 3 little girlies!

P.S. It is officially, official.... She is baby Payton Capri! I let James choose the spelling he wanted.

Grumpy

I have been such a grumpy cus this pregnancy & I am sick of it! I really do win the worst mama award lately. Everything my girls do or say just makes me snap at them. I have been so exhausted from not sleeping, being in pain, being sick & simply being pregnant, that I don't have the energy or patience to calmly take care of them. I am on edge ALL.THE.TIME! After being pregnant for basically 3 years straight, I am done feeling like I can't properly take care of my kids. Poor Brooklyn hasn't really had me as a good mommy in her little 2 1/2 years with me being pregnant 2 other times & nursing a baby between. I am ready to be a mommy & be done with this pregnancy stuff for a good long while! I hate that I feel like I am in this Rat Race of survival everyday. I can't keep up with my girls, can't keep up with the massive messes made in EVERY.SINGLE.ROOM!..... I feel like I am on a fast treadmill just trying with all my might to not fall on my face but I am getting nothing out of it.... I am ready for life to level out & give me some time to feel like I can regroup, take a breath & get on top of everything that I need to & move forward calmly.... not sure that will happen before baby arrives in 7 weeks.

LDS Addiction Services

Has anyone had experience with someone close to them or that they know go through the LDS Addiction Services? If so, have you heard about their experience?

I have someone close to me who is going through a very difficult time and I am starting to think that this could be an answer or a help to this person.

My friend Haylie wrote such a beautifully written post that I mentioned in my last post that honestly says how I feel on the subject, but she writes it so much better than I can. I hope she doesn't mind me sharing it... She has a daughter that is almost 2 & is expecting twin girls the same time I am expecting this little one, so our situations are very similar.

http://studefam04.blogspot.com/2011/04/faith.html

sorry if it's not a link, the iPhone doesn't let me do a lot of things.

Getting Personal with Pain Relief

I really hesitate getting too personal on here. I'm not afraid to share who I am, but I am afraid of those strangers or people who don't know me all too well that may poke fun or make light of the situation, but I really am feeling that I need to pour my heart out in a sense..... so PLEASE, if this is something that it too personal or that you don't agree with, please don't comment. I am not trying to argue what is right and what it wrong. This is simply my experience.

There are things about me that I don't share with a lot of people or talk about. If it is brought up, I won't hesitate to talk about it, but I won't bring it up to people or push it on people.... you can say that some of these things aren't easily accepted by some.

As most of you know, I have been severely struggling with some physical issues lately. My body hasn't been wanting to function properly and I have been in some extreme pain in my pubic bone area, making it almost impossible for me to walk and function in my everyday life. I have been seeing a Chiropractor which has done wonders for all of my pains except for this one. After being in such excruciating pain and feeling nauseous, I called my Dr. this morning to move my appointment to today instead of Tuesday to see if everything was ok. He was concerned about what was going on and scheduled an ultrasound to have my legs checked to see if I had blood clots in my legs. Thank goodness there were no blood clots, but I was feeling upset that there weren't any answers! I want this pain to go away.

Now for the past week, I have been researching different things and asking people things to try and find something that could possibly help me. I was willing to try anything. I had a thought to send a FB message to one of my mom's best friends from Idaho and my aunt who both do energy work. This is the part that may be questionable for some, for me, this is my normal. I asked them if they could see if there was anything that could help me in that area. If you aren't familiar with energy work, I'm not going to go into it because there are different areas of it. My mom's friend focuses on the health stuff and my aunt focuses more on the emotional stuff. Anyway, I got home from the hospital today and my aunt calls me. She tells me that the answers she is getting for me is that my pain is all emotional.

I mentioned a while ago that I have been bottling things up inside. I really am a firm believer that when it is bottled up, it will store somewhere. All of the emotions are storing up in my pubic bone and legs for me.

Without me even telling her what my feelings were, she knew what was going on and knew how to help me release it. It was very emotional for me! My heart is broken over some of the things... but they are things that I have been holding on to. Things that I associate with this pregnancy that are now physically affecting the pregnancy. The bottom line of all of it.... I am holding on to so much negativity right now with my life & this pregnancy, that it is finding a way to show itself.

After talking with my aunt and having her walk me through some visualizations, I got up and was able to walk down the stairs normal! The pain wasn't completely gone, but I wasn't having to hop down the stairs or hold myself up on the railing. This is huge for me. I am finally finding the relief that I have been looking for, a long with some healing that is probably well over due about my pregnancy and life right now.....

A friend of mine blogged about this today and it is just ringing so true to me. Why are we so negative? Why am I so negative? I have been RIDICULOUSLY negative lately and I know it is affecting my life in every aspect. Why do I try to look for ways to try and lift other people, but put myself & my life down in every way? Why do I feel that other people are worth God's love and attention, but think that there is no way that he can love me or know me? I know things happen for a reason and in the end, they always work out.... so why do I fight it and get upset every time? I know I have a lot more things to work through, but I am glad to have gotten the push I needed to move in that direction. Let's hope and pray that the negativity can just stay out of my way.

Something that my aunt said to me that is just piercing me. She told me "Lindsi, God made you wait those 6 years to get a child so that you could be ready to love and accept these 3 little ones so close to each other". I know that to be true just by how much it has haunted my brain today. I know it is not going to be easy, but I know I can do it.... God wouldn't give it to me unless I was able to do it.

I haven't shared everything on here. There was a lot of very personal things that came up for me today that I am not willing to share on the blog. Mainly the things that I have been bottling up, but if someone out there could benefit for their own sake from hearing it, I would be willing to share on a more personal level. I know I am not the only one out there that is suffering or hurting.... I am discovering that pretty much every person we come in contact with is suffering or hurting in their own way. We honestly and truly never really know what a person is going through!

Egg Hunt

Today was our first experience of doing a public/city egg hunt.... It was the first & the last! WHAT.A.JOKE!

My sister wanted us to go to the South Jordan egg hunt with them this year. After worrying whether or not we could even get there on time for a 9:00 hunt, we made it with time to spare. The hunt was sectioned off by age groups. There was a group for 1 & 2 year olds which was perfect for both my girls & then my sister's girls were in the 7 & 8 year old group. You stood in squares around the candy for your age group. The announcer came over the mic wanting to countdown for everyone to say Hi to the Chic Fil A cow & a woman in my sister's group thought it was the countdown to start so she yells go & the majority of the kids ran out! Well my neices new it wasn't the siren to go do they hardly got anything.

For our group, because we had the little babes, 1 parent was allowed to help a child.... But let me remind you, this was an egg hunt for 1 & 2 year olds. I was back just a bit with Kenidi & James was in front of me with Brooklyn, the siren went off & those parents fled! I couldn't even get on the course, I looked out & it was a SEA of adults backs scooping candy into their kid's baskets! I cannot express how disgusted I was (& am). I was so hoping for this cute experience of my girls getting their candy & it pretty much didn't happen. They got a few little pieces that parents missed but they definitely didn't get a cute egg hunt experience.... Needless to say, it is something that we will not venture out to do again!

Why would grown adults have to ruin the experience for these little ones? If you want candy that bad, go to the freakin store! It's about the experience for these little ones.

But on a good note, the girls were able to play with their cousins today & go help feed their cousins little black lambs. We also took them swimming & they had a blast! Looking forward to a REAL Easter Egg Hunt tomorrow at the grandparent's house.

Vacation

Does anybody else feel like they are in need of a serious vacation?

We have been on a vacation every year since we have been married with my family & this year we can't go! My family is heading to South Carolina for my step-sisters wedding & we can't go since it is a month after I have this baby. Can you imagine traveling across the country with a newborn, 1 year old & 2 year old, all sleeping in the same room with a waking newborn, having to nurse every 2 or so hours while toting 2 strollers, 2 cribs, 3 carseats..... The thought overwhelms me! So needless to say, we are not going.

The 1 year that I feel like I need a vacation most, I'm not getting one at all! I am hoping that for our 10 year anniversary next year that we can get away from kids & not be pregnant & enjoy a great little vacation just the 2 of us!.....

As I am writing this, my 2 year old is "singing" at the top of her lungs 2 feet away from me & poking me in the face.....
I seriously need that vacation.

Privately

I don't know how people keep things to themselves & bottle things up inside! I have been trying to hold things in & not be open or discuss things & I am pretty sure I have had a private break down everyday. That can't be healthy.....

Gotta love it...

Today was our Stake Conference. We went in and sat down... we were actually a bit early! I turned to James and said "2 hours on these chairs is going to kill me!" He got up and ran to the room and got a cushioned chair for me! (Love him :) I could over hear the couple behind us and he got up and went to grab her a cushion seat after seeing James do it. The lady leaned forward and said "you made him feel bad that he didn't do that for me". I was thinking in my head, "what do you need a cushion for?" She asks me when I am due and I tell her June 30th. She tells me that she is due Aug 1st.... WHAT!? She did not look ONE.BIT.PREGNANT!

Everyone comes up to me and tells me
"oh, you look miserable, when are you due?"
"I'm due on June 30th."
"How are you going to make it that long, you look like you are ready to give birth"

Yes people, I know I am HUGE! Yes I am miserable and in pain..... If you it hurts you to watch me move, just imagine how I feel ;)

James and I were seriously in shock over the fact that she was pregnant and only a month behind me. She carries her babies long obviously and I have absolutely no where my my babies to go but out since my hip bones and ribs pretty much touch.....

Gotta love all of the comments & small pregnant women to make you feel gargantuan!

Unofficially official

He hasn't flat out said "yes her name is Peyton" I have been calling her by it and Im pretty sure he is just going to let it be :)

now to decide between:

Peyton Capri
Payton Capri
Paityn Capri

I always thought my kids middle names would all be family names but I haven't found one I like with the name. So...... I got Capri from a song from Colbie Callait.... Not to mention the gorgeous Italy location :)

She is my baby Peyton/Payton/Paityn & I am getting anxious to meet her & see what she looks like!

Talents

This is something that has been on my mind lately for a number of reasons. A friend of mine did a post reccently about feeling mediocre & not feeling real talented as well as a situation in our life that I have not shared (even I don 't share everything that is going on in my life) that has really made me think about this topic.... Even my husband has really been thinking about this.

I posted this question to my husband last night, "Would you rather have 1 talent that you excel at and are one of the very best or would you rather have multiple talents that you are good at but you aren't the best in any one of them?". His first response was to have multiple as to be a well rounded person but then he stopped himself & said that most people who are really successful & wealthy are ones who have 1 that they really excel at and are the best. These are exactly my thoughts & it kind of frustrates me a bit because I am one of those people that are blessed with multiple talents but don't excel in any specific one.

For the past 3 years, I have wanted to get something started. A small business from home that I can do with my girls. I first wanted to paint murals & make this my full time business, I got postcards designed & mailed out, spent time & money getting it together & then I found out I was pregnant for the first time. It is VERY difficult to paint when pregnant, nauseaus and have an aching body. I know I'm not the best artist but I felt it was a talent that I could really do something with.... Biggest problem, everyone in Utah wants a Mural for their kids but nobody is willing to pay for it! It is a piece of art & it is very time consuming. SO many layers go into creating a mural & people can 't see the work that goes into it.

When I got pregnant with Kenidi I had started my design blog. I originally started it just to show friends & family what I was doing with my house & give some tips.... I had NEVER heard of a blog like this (yes I live under a rock)... I got a little down because I thought Zi had such an original idea, but then I found out that people actually made money doing design blogs! Well that thought was short lived because I had ZERO time to work on my house & post anything after Kenidi was born.

Then I had an Awesome idea to start a small Nursery Design business that I could really work on after my girls went to bed. I spent MONTHS getting this business together, got product made, drawings rendered together, etsy shop setup, name & logos worked on, etc. A lot of work was being put in to getting this business going & I found out once again I was pregnant & sick ALL.DAY.LONG... That whole thing came to a halt!

I know I'm not the best Interior Designer out there, but I felt that with the blog I could offer a lot of inexpensive ideas along with great tips. With the Nursery Design business, I felt I had a great product to offer but mostly that I could create room renderings to help people see some of these ideas.... Multiple talents but nothing really excelled in.

Cooking. This is a talent I have developed in the past few years but am not sure what I can do with it outside of my family....

I want to excel in something but every time I try, I feel I am beat down. Like God won't let me pursue anything to make money or something... I don't know! This is me rambling & complaining a bit.

But I am curious what all of you think, would you rather excel in 1 area or would you prefer yo have multiple talents but maybe not be real great at any 1 thing?

Baby Names once again

Yes I am visiting the baby names once again! I hate not having a name to call her & to refer to her as with her sisters. Her name is narrowed down to 2. It is basically narrowed down to 1, but I don't want to boot out the one & only name James has loved (outside of Brooklyn).

So here they are, I want & have always wanted Peyton (Payton, Paityn). James likes it but he isn't in love with it, however, he is in love with Gemma. I suggested this as a joke & he actually responded opposite & fell in love with it. So here is my (retarded) dilemma. I like Gemma if it is paired with Lyn: Gemma Lyn or Gemmalyn... Here's the problem, I already have a BrookLYN! So, it would be dumb to have 2 girls with Lyn right? And yes, I am one that calls them by their middle name quite often so it is a big deal to me. Otherwise the other option is Peyton Capri. We don't have a spelling decided on for that name yet.... So, what do you think? What are your opinions? I am curious. I want a name decided on but I want James happy also (he has pretty much been the reason for the narrow down to these 2).

Be over already

Please day be over! Or should I say Please past 3 years be over! It is never ending......

Black & white

I have seen the same subject brought up multiple times on my Facebook by different people & every time it is brought up, it turns into a MASSIVE debate! I don't know if I have ever seen another subject be so black & white!

The thing that I find so interesting about these debates... People are SO quick to judge other people based on which side they are on! People calling other people stupid & idiots based off of their personal decision on the matter.. Blows me away!

I am sure everyone is curious what the subject matter is, but because I don't want to start a debate here, I am choosing not to share it. I am quite strongly for one side & it may not be the "popular" side.

9 Years

I can't believe that it was 9 years ago today that I married the PERFECT man for me! People thought that we were crazy to be getting married since we only knew each other 2 weeks when that decision was made. But here we are 9 years later & I haven't regretted in for a moment. My parents were very unsure about the whole thing, but shortly after told me that I married the perfect man for me.... I completely agree!

James is the best husband and the best dad! Our girls adore him! It is so cute to see them run to daddy on his lunch break wanting to play Ring-around-the-rosies & that is how he spends his lunch break, playing with his girls.

He is the reason I am who I am! He makes me want to be a better person & do better in all that I do!

I am so grateful for him & grateful that he chose me (& not one of the other 2 girls that wanted to marry him)

I love Babe! More than I can even express!

Happy Anniversary!

Bedding

I ordered bedding for Brooklyn's bedroom last week. When it arrived, they sent me a twin instead of a full. I was really bugged at the time, but I decided that since I had to return it anyway, I was going to go with what I really wanted. I ordered a comforter set that was on clearance but I have really wanted a quilt in there. I have been eyeballing this bedding from Walmart for her room...



I love this because it is fun, but it isn't too cutesy..... I have STRUGGLED to try and find bedding because of the wall color that is in there. I have the same burnt orange/red color in that room that is the same as my family room.... I decided yesterday that I loved the bedding and was just going to get it. Well, now I look at it next to the wall color and I don't like it together at all!! AHH.... so now I am thinking that I am just going to have to paint over the orange/red with a little more of a pinky red. I just don't know how James will feel about that.

I also bought a little dresser and mirror for her room. I am way excited to get my hands on this thing! It is meant for a little girl which means that it is a little bit smaller scale and it has heart cut outs on the mirror and the drawer handles.... but it is in sad shape right now. The girl was asking $50 for it, but we offered her $30 for it. We are going to strip all of the paint and repaint it a fun green color! I am wanting to antique it in my head, so I am hoping to be able to make that possible.

There are so many projects for this room (not to mention other rooms) that need to get done! I am feeling a bit overwhelmed with it all, but I am going to get a list made and schedule it out. I am going to take pictures of all of the projects and I am hoping that I can get them posted on my Design blog. I can't wait to get some done & show everyone... should be fun.

Sleep issues

It is days like today I wonder "why in the world am I having another child"! It was a rough day.

My 2 year old hardly sleeps. Most kids her age still take naps. I am lucky if she will sleep even in the night. She stays up most nights for at least an hour if not longer just reading books & playing. She will finally climb in bed & go to sleep & then she will wake up in the night & play some more. We know that there have been nights when she has been awake for 2 hours playing in the dead of the night. She will go back to bed for a bit & then be up around 6. It finally catches up to her & we have days like today where she is so tired & everything is a massive ordeal & we fight ALL.DAY.LONG! After screaming... She passed out at 7:30!

I am at a loss of what to do with her sleeping... Can I give a 2 year old a Melatonin? Half joking, half not ;)

Calling

I was late to church today so I missed the sustainings that they did, so I am assuming that I was sustained today into my new calling.

I went in on Tuesday at sat down and Clint said "Shannon will be with you in just a few minutes". Now Shannon is the bishopric member who is over the Primary. The first thought in my mind was "Oh crap, this is the calling that I know I just can't handle right now, I can't be in Primary when I have a baby that I take care of right now and I have a baby on the way.... I am constantly having to take care of kids and I won't be able to take care of my own and take care of a class of kids!!!" I seriously had anxiety for a little bit. Then I realized that Shannon was the only one available and he had no idea what he was calling me into until he was handed a paper that said my calling on it.... PHEW.

We sat down and chatted for a bit, then he asked if I would accept a calling as a member of the Relief Society Meeting Committee!!! What a RELIEF! I have always said that at this point in my life, there are 2 callings that I would love to have; 1) Activity Days leader... they only meet 2 times a month and you get to do fun stuff with the younger girls or 2) Put me in the Relief Society Meeting Committee! He didn't even know what that calling was! I had to laugh at that. I wanted so badly to be called in the Relief Society SOMEWHERE! In the 9 years that I have been married, I have ALWAYS had a calling where I work with the primary aged kids or the Young Women. At this point in my life, I REALLY wanted to work with the woman in my ward and really get to know people better... that is exactly what I think this calling will give me as well as open Sundays to take care of my kids during church... like nursing a new baby when she comes. So... I am very excited about my calling and really do think that it is the perfect choice for me right now in my life.

Therapy

I got some therapy yesterday! No I'm not talking about sitting down with a therapist & talking about all my problems. I'm talking about Lindsi therapy....... Having quiet time (kids were asleep), turned on spa music & I was able to get started on a project that I have always dreamed of doing... Paint a mural in my OWN home!

I get completely lost in my own world when I paint, not just murals, but just painting my walls in general. I love creating! I love seeing an awesome end result & being able to sit in a space & constantly enjoy it. It will be so fun to have a mural in Brooklyn's closet where we can go sit & read & enjoy the painting.

I debated for a bit in what to paint but it all came together when I decided it was going to be a reading space & I saw a cute image of Winnie the Pooh & Piglet leaning up against each other & both reading a book. I took that image & decided that since my favorite mural that I have ever done is the Winnie the Pooh nursery, then I would create that on a smaller scale & different character pictures. Once again I tried different ways to post pictures if you have never seen that mural, but the iphone won't let me post pictures at all.... So, if you are interested in seeing those pictures, you can go to www.lindsigabler.blogspot.com, scroll down on the right hand side & find my Custom Mural slideshow. There you can see all the murals I have done.

I definitely realized last night that I need more "me" or "therapy" time! I was so calm last night after painting!...... I wish it would have carried over to today, but I slept horrible & woke up a bit on edge... I do need to find ways to give myself more time without kids for my sanity.’

Pain....

How do people have a lot of kids?! Literally, I have been in tears today from the pain in my hips. I had this pain with my other 2, but not until closer to the end. I still have over 3 months & already I can't lift up my legs, sit on the floor, sit at all, stand for longer than 5 minutes and I am waddling like a penguin! I can't live the next 3 months in tears from pain & have to chase my 2 busy girls... I'm at a loss of what to do! I wear a full support girdle that helps a TON, but the pain is still more than I can take... Just imagine what it's like on the days I wash my girdle! Any suggestions on alleviating hip pain? I had back & hip problems before having babies, they thought I had Rheumatoid Arthritis but it turns out I just have a messed up neck, back, hips and tail bone area.

On the hunt

As I have mentioned before, we are going to try & get Brooklyn a new bedroom put together & we are doing it on a tight budget. If anyone happens to have any of the following (or knows of someone getting rid of the following) & would be willing to sell them, please let me know.

*Full size mattress, boxspring, & metal frame.
*dresser (would be willing to paint)
*nightstand (totally open to any small table that can be painted & won't tip over if a kid leans on it).
*beanbag (this isn't a priority, but we are turning the closet into a reading nook & would eventually like a small beanbag)

We are also looking for the following for the play room.

*t.v. Stand (open to anything really & willing to paint)
*t.v.
*loveseat or chair & half.

Be careful.....

......What you pray for!

My husband got a call from Clint yesterday. This wasn't out of the usual because they speak on the phone often enough that I would think nothing of it. Then he looks at me & I can over hear "Hey can your wife meet with a member of the bishopric tomorrow"? Then I realized it was one of "Those" calls from Clint.....

I have been praying about the calling that I would end up with. I was a Wolf Scout leader for a year and a half before I was released since I thought we were going to be moving. As soon as I found out we weren't moving, I wondered how long I could get away with not having a calling. It lasted a bit, but then I started feeling like I needed a place in my ward.

I have an inkling of what I feel the calling is... But of course I won't share! I know that whatever the calling is, it is for my higher good & learning. I will know tonight what the call is, you won't hear until next week.

This prayer is being answered much quicker than I had anticipated. Feeling a bit nervous & excited about what it is.

Good laugh at myself

Yep.... I am a dork! I realized today out of the blue that I SLAUGHTERED the quote (scripture) & I have no idea where I got ACTION from... Turns out the quote didn't really fit the point I was trying to make... But At least I got a really good laugh at myself as well as my husband! Forgive the dumb moments :)

Charity

Our lesson in Relief Society today was on Charity. This is something that has been on my mind a lot lately.

You know the saying (or scripture?) "Action without works is dead"? Well describes me to a "T". In my heart, I have the STRONGEST desire to be charitable to those around me. I am surrounded by so many amazing woman in my ward that inspire me & make me want to be a better person, a more charitable person, but I have such a hard time going out of my way to let these people know how great I think they are.

I would love to make treats with a handmade card & tell everyone how I admire them or what they have done that has helped me that would otherwise never know, but I can't seem to get myself (& my kids) packed up to do this. Even though it isn't personable, this past week (even before this lesson) I have decided that if a person pops into my mind & I am thinking about them, I need to send a Facebook message or something & let them know I am thinking about them or let them know what they mean to me.

I have struggled my whole life to let people know how I feel towards them & it is something I need to change. I don't know why it is so hard for me to do in person! I can never go up to someone in church & let them know they gave a great talk or lesson, or that their comment really touched me etc.

I also think of forgiveness when I think of charity. I have always been one who forgives easily. I may get REALLY upset at first, but once I calm down, I am quick to forgive & forget..... But there is one person that I have really struggled to forgive & forget... I find it almost impossible. I hope that one day I can forgive this person like I have been the others in my life. Until then, I will just have to pray for that day to come.

I hope that in time I can become one of those charitable people that I so greatly admire!

Pictures :(

I miss being able to post pictures!

You think you are doing really good. You wake up before 6:30 every morning to do morning prayers & scripture study, held family home evening this week, been reading scriptures as a family & having family prayers. You are excited about how well it is going & thinking about how amazing you have felt & how smooth things seem to be going....

Then something happens & you realize you have a lot further to go because you want to break down & cry (literally) & don't have any faith in the situation. Am definitely ready for things to take a turn for the better.

From one extreme to the next

This topic may seem kind of random & out of the blue, but it is something that has been on my mind.

My thoughts have recently been on those people who haven't been able to have a child (children). As most of you know, I have been there. If you aren't aware of our situation, it took us 6 years to finally be blessed with a little one. I know what it feels like to see everyone around you getting pregnant & wondering WHY can't that be me.

The other part of our story is that we did not use any fertility. James & I kept praying & we kept getting the answer "it's not time". If you know me, you know that I am not a patient person. It was SO difficult for me to sit back & not do anything about it. No fertility options & no adoption options... Just sitting & waiting. I thought it was going to kill me!

Now I find myself at the total opposite extreme. 7 months after having my first, I found myself pregnant again...... 8 months after baby girl #2, I found myself pregnant with baby girl #3.

I may never know why I needed to wait all those years to be blessed with a child or why I am finding myself with 3 girls under the age of 3, but I often have to remind myself of where I came from..... In those overwhelming moments when I am 6 months pregnant chasing a 2 year old & a 1 year old.

My heart truly does go out to those who suffer as I once did. It took me a long time, but I know people who waited even longer than I did & their faith & strength gave me faith & strength. My dear friend Haylie reminded me that God will never give us a trial that we can't handle... This applys to me now also when I question how I am going to take care of 3 little ones when they are so close in age. I am grateful for these little ones.... The wait was worth it.

Schedules

I mentioned a while ago that I needed an overhaul of myself & that that was basically my New Years resolution. Ever since then, I think that it has gotten worse instead of better. I think this past week was where I finally hit rock bottom & decided I had to move up instead of down. This was pretty much the cause of my embarrassing breakdown in Relief Society.

I finally sat down today & decided I needed to make a schedule of my typical day & lay it out to see how I can fit all of the spiritual things in that I (we) have been missing, such as; scripture study ( both personal & couple), personal prayers, family home evening, etc. I also wanted to lay out a weekly cleaning schedule. I want to set a few set chores for everyday of the week so that I'm not trying to cram a whole bunch into 1 day. I want to be realistic & start setting some time aside for myself along with wanting to start a Learning Time with my girls as soon as the playroom is put together & the mess from our office stuff is gone.

Do you do a schedule? Do you have set times that you read scriptures or do certain things for yourself or with your kids? I am wondering what other people do that works for them. I am hoping that we can find something that works for us in getting all of this done in a day, but more than anything, I hope I can have the integrity or accountability to stick to these things (especially the spiritual things). I don't tend to do a real great job with keeping integrity or accountability with myself..... But I am ready for a change in my life & I need to develop good habits before baby girl #3 arrives & throws our chances of developing those habits even more.

Brooklyn's Bedroom

I must be cursed in the picture arena! I have tried to post some pictures a number of time & my account for some reason won't let me pull up the picture screen..... so, here is another post without pictures (but you can at least link over to see some).

The whole issue I had with Brooklyn's room and why I was so bugged was because I had in my mind exactly what I wanted to do. I went to Ikea and found the EXACT bed I had envisioned in my mind.... that was almost $400 (with no mattress). You can see the problem here. After being frustrated of not being able to create my vision, I got over it and got my brain working again (When I really want something, I will figure out a way to make it happen). As most of you know, I am the queen of creating things or making things work without a budget (or at least a very small one). I went to a blog that I follow and found the PERFECT inspiration for Brooklyn's Bedroom! Check out this link and see the pictures that inspired a whole new plan.

http://emilyaclark.blogspot.com/2011/03/paneled-headboard-project.html

We are going to take the idea of this headboard and create it in a different way that works for our room. I am so excited to do it! We think we can create the whole wall feature for $40-$50.

I am going to go on KSL and find a used full mattess and frame.

We looked at bedding at Walmart and they actually have some options that we can work with for $40-$50.

Purchase an old dresser from KSL or find one (which may need to be painted).

Take some accessories I have and paint them and what not and I think we will have an AWESOME little room for less than $200. That is something that both of us can agree to.

Way excited to make the changes!

Over it!

After a day of letting this bother me & the sweet comments I received from all of you on here & on facebook.... I am over it!

I am definitely blessed to have amazing friends who know & care about me! It is a privlege (sp?) to know you and associate with you! So Thank You for being Amazing people!

As for this Jill, I hope you are able to get through whatever difficulties you are going through! I obviously sparked something & maybe you were having a bad day like I was having when I needed to vent. I honestly hope you are able to get through whatever it is. May God bless you on your journey through, as for all of us, since none of us are void of the hardships of life.

Wow

So I just got FUMED! Someone (who I don't even know) left a very rude comment & I don't even know her! Which, in return, does not know me AT ALL!

This person does not know the trials I have been going through! Yes I am blessed with 2 healthy girls & an amazing husband. But there are a lot of things that we have struggled with. I was hoping that since I was was working on this transition that needs to take place, I would be able to make a cute room for my daughter. This is not the most important thing I know, but when you have a lot of crap going on in your life, you wish for something small at times & when the small things don't happen, it can send you to feel upset. Obviously if you are taking this overly serious, you don't know me. I had a moment of frustration where I felt like nothing has been going right & some total stranger has to be a total jerk about it..... I respond in the moment & in that moment I needed to vent. You also don't know me if you take the term "break down & cry" literally. No I did not break down & cry! But I was frustrated. When you go to school for Interior Design & work in it & then become a stay at home mom & have no way of expressing that creativity except in your own home, it is hard not to be able to do it. I have felt like it is a talent I am losing because I haven't been able to do anything with it.

It definitely would help to know the person or their situation before you go throwing around rude comments. Everyone is allowed to have moments of frustration, even if you don't agree with what the frustration is over. &. If you don't know my personality, don't read this blog. I will always say things that aren't meant in the literal term & you will always take it the wrong way. I am a fun person that doesn't like to take things too seriously but I get frustrated (& tells it as it is) & have my moments.

This blog is definitely meant for people I know & people who know me & my personality.

Frustrating moment

Sorry to vent, but I am having one of those moments where I need to vent & I feel like I just want to break down and cry.

I have been working really hard to try & make a big transition in our house. We are turning our spare bedroom into Brooklyn's (my 2 year olds) big girl bedroom, going to move Kenidi into Brooklyn's room now so that the new baby can have the nursery and we are getting rid of my office (which is the open room between all of their bedrooms) & turning that into the girls playroom/t.v. Room....

My in- laws are coming into town in 2 days so the monster mess that is all over the upstairs desperately needs to be cleaned up!.... But.... My husband let me know today that I can't spend any money on any of the changes!!!!!

Brooklyn needs a bedroom set (we need everything ... Bed, mattress, dresser, bedding, paint) & the playroom needs a t.v. stand, sitting, toy organization.... Everything! All of a sudden I have ZERO motivation & am feeling very upset at the fact that my entire house is pretty much hand-me-downs or we bought second hand!

I wish so desperately that I could just go out & buy what I need! I am so exhausted of making things work & not being able to have my house the way I want it. That is one thingI struggle with... Being an Interior Designer & feeling like people judge me off of my house.

It takes me YEARS (literally) to get everything for a room & by that point, I am ready for something new!

Well, with my design dreams crushed, I honestly don't think my house is going to be moving forward in it's transition very quickly & my in-laws may just have to deal with the mess piles!....I'm SO sick of money! Am I the only one that feels this way?

Embarrassing

I don't get embarrased easily, I am usually one who can make a joke of any situation & move on & don't care much about it. Well, yesterday in Relief Society, the one thing that I try hard to not have happen happened to me.

I hate crying & I ESPECIALLY hate crying in front of people (even my husband). Have you ever had something (or LOTS of somethings) that you have held in a for a long while?.... Than you know what happened! I was in RS & the lesson triggered ALL of those somethings & I couldn't hold it in. I tried & it wouldn't stay.... Then as the lesson went on, the crying got worse. My sweet friend Haylie ran & got me some tissue from the bathroom, but before I knew it, the tissue was full & I was getting into the ugly cry! I had to get up & leave during the closing song as EVERYONE was looking at me... Not to mention all the people in the hall looking at me!

I am an ugly crier! My face goes BEET red & blotchy & my eyes go an intense red & there is no hiding it.

One of the worst things about the situation is that it was Stake Conference & the RS StAke Presidency was there & was wondering what was going on with me! It was a hard situation for me to be in... & then my husband sees me afterwards & is wondering what in the world is going on! Last night on our way home he asked me about it again.... We stayed up talking about all the "somethings" for hours & I cried the whole time! Hopefully it is out of my system now & I don't have another public breakdown!

I just have to say that I have some of the SWEETEST friends! The one teaching the lesson brought me brownies & a sweet card, I got texts & messages & they all made me feel better the situation & the embarrassment I felt.... Thanks girls!

Name down-low

So here is the low-down on the names (sorry if you are sick of name talk by this point).

Hazel was eliminated because everyone I said it to in person said it sounded like a grandma name! when I thought of the name, I had never heard it before. I thought of the color & thought that would be the cutesy name!.... Wasn't expecting the comments " that's my great aunts name " & "I just can"t picture a baby with that name, it sounds old". So needless to say, it ruined it for me (even though it has been in the lead pretty much the whole time).

Haven is way cute but hasn't gotten great responses & it wasn't on the top of the list to start with.

The other 4, James & I love & can't narrow it down except to this.... One of them is going to be a middle name & the other 3 will be decided between when she is born... But we won't tell you which names are which. We have to see her in person to see which name suits her. Let's hope this doesn't drive me crazy!

Hardest decision

I have been going over names for days & we can't decide. We had it narrowed down to 2, but I honestly have 4 that I love & can't come to a conclusion. James has 1 that he loves but I'm not feeling it as much.... This may be the first time that we aren't calling her by name until she is born! I can't tell you how hard that is for me! Too many cute names

P.s. The 2 H names are eliminated & the other ones are in the running

Baby Girl Name

I honestly thought that this baby was named, but James decided to let me know that he wasn't completely sold on it & that he wanted to explore more name options. I have a list of names that we have gone over and one or both of us like each of these names. Will you just let us know which ones you like. I am wanting to see how people respond to some of these. I won't let you know who likes what names, I want this to be completely non biased. You are welcome to vote anonymously, or let us know your real opinions in the comments. Thanks so much for your input :)

And yes we are aware that these are not your everyday names ;)

(You can vote for more than one)

Perfectly Imperfect!

First off, let me start off by saying that we went to the ultrasound this past week and found out that we are having another GIRL! I laughed so hard when she said that.... but then I felt bad for James. He was SO hoping for a boy this time around (& needs a little boy with all of the estrogen in our household).

We always knew that we were going to have a Brooklyn and Kenidi so their names were never surprises. I wanted to keep this baby's name a secret until she was born but I really don't think I can keep it to myself. I am one who has to have a name picked out right away and call it by that name.... it is a weird bonding thing to me (at least James thinks I am weird). I will do a separate post on that later though because I may need some opinions on the spelling and middle name for her.

p.s I wanted to post the cute little 3D picture that was done of her but my computer is permanently shut off since it has about over 200 viruses on it (?) & I don't dare do anything with James work computer, so these posts are still pictureless. (but yes I did finally find my battery charger)

ANYWAYS, I was in the bathroom getting ready the other day thinking through my head one of my biggest pet peeves..... an anal personality! I just looked it up on the thesaurus trying to find a better word and they gave; nit-picker, stickler, fusspot, perfectionist, anal retentive.... you get the picture. I was thinking about this because this is a VERY strong personality characteristic of my 2 year old and I don't know how to handle it! This is a characteristic in people that has bothered me for a long time..... and.. of course..... I have a daughter with it! So not only did my 2 year old get the absolute stubbornness of my family, but she got the very strong nit-pickiness from James family (I am blaming his family because there isn't much of that in my family:) Just kidding, there is some of that in my family too) Needless to say... we have some SERIOUS battles with her about things not being exactly how she wants them! & since she can't hardly communicate to us what it is she wants, the tantrums are 10 times worse because we don't understand what she wants.....

This whole thinking process got me to my "Perfectly Imperfect" awareness! I am 100% (ok, maybe not 100%, but pretty darn close) fine with not being perfect! I don't want perfection! I have come to the realization that I LOVE imperfection! Is this strange? I have gotten to the point that I don't stress over the fact that my face may be breaking out, my house isn't always clean (or completed with the design), that I have moments of total frustration with my kids, etc. I am finding that I am completely embracing it! You quite often hear about how LDS woman feel like they have to be perfect & how they don't like to show if they are struggling in an area of their life. I think I am the exact opposite of that! I don't want people to ever think or look at me as perfect ( I know you are laughing if you really know me because I am far from perfect). Have you ever met someone that you thought had this "Perfect" persona on their face & how unapproachable they are? You feel very intimidated by them & find that you try to keep away from them in fear of doing something out of the "Perfect". This is something that I don't EVER want to come across to other people. I want people to know my flaws, to know my laid back personality and feel comfortable around me..... I even feel like that has come across with my designing style with my walls. I didn't paint my walls, I imperfectly stained my walls where it shows flaws & variations and I LOVE how imperfect it is!!!!! I know it is strange to use that as an example, but I feel like it completely shows who I am.

How do you feel about yourself? Do you feel like you are completely fine with your imperfections, or do you feel that you need to be "perfect" so that other people won't judge you? Now I need to work on not judging people who feel that they need perfection! Especially my 2 year old daughter.... I am sure she was given this "gift" of perfection to teach her mama some lessons!

Should We Stay or Should We Go Now?.....

I know posts are kind of boring without pictures, but I honestly cannot find my darn camera battery charger, so you are stuck with my thoughts or pictureless posts.

But.... I wanted to post some AWESOME news! It is at least very awesome news for me. James and I tried to Refinance our house for almost a year. After a long a grueling process, we were denied our refinance! We looked at other options and decided to do a Modification. After 8 months of going through that crap of a process, we finally found out yesterday that we were APPROVED!!!! If you don't know exactly what that means... that means that we are NOT having to move now!!!

This home was a second home for us which means that our interest rate was out of the roof! Ridiculously high..... after we moved into it, we started the refinance process since it had become our primary residence. It has been a very long, retarded process to say the least, but I am SO excited that we don't have to move.

When we started this process, I was perfectly fine moving out & just moving on. Well, in the past few months, I have made some awesome friends here in my neighborhood and I really don't want to lose that and have to start over. Now we are needing to get yard plans and put that in this spring...... There are 2 things that I am EXTATIC about. One- I don't have to pack up my house and move while I am 8 months pregnant! Two- I can put a garden in this year which I have ALWAYS wanted to do! I finally feel like things are coming together & working out... let's just hope and pray that all of our dilemmas come out on top that this one did! :)

Favorite Things

Honestly, if you have a chance to throw a Favorite things party or go to a Favorite Things party... DO IT!!! It was SO much fun!

We played some way fun games to earn the Favorite Things Prizes and it was so fun to pick the prizes out.... very hard though with lots of things to choose from.

I ended up changing what I took to wood beaded necklaces. I love a basic, neutral necklace that can be thrown on with almost any jeans outfit & make it look like you put a little thought into it. I ended up getting a Maurices gift card, twistable crayons for Brooklyn and a beaded ring that a girl made.... all AWESOME! I would have taken pictures but my camera is dead and I can't find the darn battery charger!

I love it when you get a girls night out, get to laugh non stop, and learn some fun unknown facts about each other..... I need more nights like that!

These are a few of my Favorite Things....

Ignore this picture for now, my computer was having problems!

You know you are singing it right now in your head! :)

I got an invitation yesterday to a "Favorite Things" party. The objective of this party is to bring your favorite item (3 of the same item) & exchange it & come home with 3 new favorite items that other people brought..... It got me really thinking about the things that are my favorite things. I am not one to be attached to things at all so I can definitely go without a lot of things, but I do have some things that I really love. Most things are definitely exceding the $10 price limit so I can't use them for my gift exchange, but I am sharing them anyways~

*Electric Water Boiler/Tea Kettle - If you have never seen these, they are AMAZING! We love ours SO MUCH! Definitely could never go back to a traditional stove top tea kettle.

*Blend Tec Blender - This thing gets used at least once a day if not more in our house.... LOVE IT!

*Cutco Knives - I can't stand cutting with a dull knife anymore. High quality knives are the way to go!

I simply could go ON & ON about kitchen supplies! I LOVE kitchen gadgets and things to help me in the kitchen when I cook! So I will stop there with my kitchen stuff.

*Label Maker - Everyone should have one of these! I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE being able to label certain things and keep it all organized!

*Pictures - This is a simple thing but I seriously love them! I love having professionals pictures done that are gorgeous and worthy to frame. (wish I could get them done more often, especially of my kiddos!)

*Picture Frames - Of course you have to have a way to display those pictures. I LOVE a great picture collage showing off pictures. I am a sucker for personal, family type pictures and not just random, meaningless pictures being framed.

*Clorox Wipes - This is probably my favorite cleaning supply. I have these in every bathroom & use them to wipe up everything. (when you have tiny kids, you have lots to wipe up).

So the item that I am thinking that I will bring to the party, that is a big deal to me, no one else would think to bring & probably won't have it already....

*Storage Tupperware Bins - (see picture at top) I love my organized cupboard with my bins all labeled. These are so great to cook with. You can either pour from them or take the lid off and easily scoop from them. I love that it is all labeled but you can also see through each item to know if you are getting low or not without having to take off the lid.... now the trick is to find enough for 3 gifts.

What are your favorite things that you can't live without?

Gratitude in the midst of hard times

The majority of my posts lately have been downer posts. We have had so many things go wrong in our lives in the past 2 weeks even, that it has brought me to tears a number of times. But in the midst of all of the crap that is going on, there are things that I am deeply grateful for and those are things that I want to focus on right now.

Insurance- because of our many things that have been going on recently, I was able to qualify for insurance that is paying 100% of my baby! I can't even tell you how much of a blessing this is to us right now. This pregnancy would be very difficult for me if I had to worry about the financial burden it would bring on us, but because of insurance, I don't have to stress about the money and I can enjoy the experience.

I had to take Kenidi to the Dr. yesterday because of a nasty cold she had that was in her chest and was causing wheezing and difficulty breathing. It was bad enough that they needed to send us to the hospital so that she could have her nose suctioned and some tests ran, and because of insurance, I didn't have to worry one bit about if it was all really necessary or not because it was going to cost us a lot of money.... it won't cost us anything.... It almost brings me to tears to think about the fact that I don't have to stress over these things in life right now!

Brooklyn & Kenidi-I have my moments where I get overwhelmed and frustrated, but these 2 definitely bring smiles to my face on a regular basis.

Last night, James was off taking care of some car situations, so I was home alone with the girls all evening by myself and needed to get them to bed. Usually we get Kenidi down first and then we go into Brooklyn's room and get her ready for bed and do family prayers. Well I have to admit that when James is gone, I have been known to skip the family prayer part. Well, last night Kenidi was with me and Brooklyn in Brooklyn's room and Brooklyn climbed up on her bed and sat down and folded her arms, then Kenidi sat and folded her arms (in her own cute way) and both girls were ready to say night, night prayers... It was precious! One of those split moments that I wished I could have paused forever. It was a very humbling esperience for me to see both girls (even Kenidi with how little she is) both folding their arms and being familiar with prayer.... something I need to learn on my own.

My mom, sister, & friends- Because of these people, I have clothes in my closet as well as my girls! I have gotten A LOT of clothes from my mom and my sister! I kid you not that probably 60% of my closet is from these 2. I have some great clothes that I didn't spend any money on (to bad I can't fit into a lot of them right now with being pregnant). My girls have A LOT of clothes also from my sister's girls and then a close friend of ours gave us some from her daughter. If we were left to our own vices of buying clothes for our girls, they would be wearing the same thing over and over again. It is such a huge blessing to have these hand-me-downs right now.

Neighbor Friends- In the past few months, I have made some great friendships here in my ward. There are 3 particular friendships that have meant a lot ot me. A few of us started getting together for little play groups. We needed breaks and our kids get stir crazy being at home. All of us seemed to need each other at the same time.

Amy T - I have never felt so comfortable talking to someone. I honestly feel that I can tell her anything and she won't judge me in the slightest.

Amy H - We were actually friends when I lived in Payson. Our husbands played basketball together. It was so nice to have her come (back) in this ward so I could have familiar face and person to talk to. I adore her.

Haylie - She is probably one of the sweetest people I have ever met. She is a strong girl in many aspects of the word. She is my baby friend since she is pregnant with twins that are due the same time as my baby. She will have 3 kids that are 2 and under and I will have my 3 kids that are just under 3 years.

The sad thing is, Amy T just moved, Amy H is in the process of moving, and there is a possibility that I will be moving here soon. Our little group that was so great is now not our little neighborhood group anymore.... but I am very greatful for the lasting friendships that were made through us getting together in the short time. All of us very different but so much a like at the same time.

James- I have mentioned him before and I will continue to mention him til the end of time. He has done so much in the past few months with taking care of us, putting out fires, and dealing with all of the nitty gritty things that I can't even imagine dealing with if he wasn't here. He does so much for me and the girls and I will always be grateful for him.

There are other things that I could mention but because of the length of this already, I am going to stop there. Even in these hard times, I need to focus and be aware of the blessings that I do have in my life. These are all things that I am truly grateful for right now!

Breakdowns and GIrls Night Out

Breakdowns have been a part of my past few days. When you think things can't get any worse, they do. Yesterday.... I didn't just break down, I completely SOBBED. I get really busy and clean when I am upset and I was trying to get my laundry done and James just came and grabbed me and hugged me and I COMPLETELY broke down in his arms. I cried on and off All.Day.Long!
Then, we had a girls night out with some of the girls around here. I wiped my face up, fixed my makeup and went off to this Girls Night Out. It was nice to get out and talk with these girls, but I felt a bit out of place and awkward.... I don't know if it was just because of the day I was having or what.... but I did enjoy myself. Then I came home and wanted to break down again..... and boy did I look like I had been crying when I got home. I didn't realize that it was probably reading all over my face the kind of days I have been having. I really hope something amazing happens because I simply can't take one more thing.

2010/2011

I know most people right now would be posting pictures of their kids on Christmas and all of their holiday fun.... but, I pretty much didn't take any pictures. We took some pictures on the day that we celebrated Christmas a week early, or I should say that we recorded some video.... then we went to Colorado for Christmas and my battery went dead on the camera and I never charged it up...... plus... I simply HATE having to download pictures onto my computer, I don't like it ONE.BIT! So..... instead I am posting about what is on my mind (what's new).

I have never been one to set New Year's Resolutions. I have never felt like I have really had things that I really needed to work on to the extent of setting a goal for that year. In 2010, I had one resolution and one resolution only.... To survive 2010 with having my second child. I SURVIVED! Goal accomplished.... Now that we are in 2011, I am feeling different about the resolution thing... because I feel like I have a LOT that I REALLY need to work, enough to set a goal.

2010 started off fine. It went by really fast with being so focused on having Kenidi and taking care of my girls.... but the end of the year wasn't the best for us. With all of the crap that we have been dealing with lately, I have realized that I need a SERIOUS overhaul of myself. I need a makeover in spirituality, mentality, physically... you name it, I need it. I am in such a sad, negative place right now and I need that to change this year (preferrably in the early part of the year, meaning sooner rather than later).

You know when you go into Relief Society and there is a very spiritual lesson where many women in the room are crying and feeling overwhelmed with the spirit? I am the one off to the side with no emotion in my face and completely numb... That is a sign that I have a PROBLEM! Even my husband told me that that isn't good.... like I said... I need help!

I don't know how I am going to do it, but I need 2011 to be focused on me and getting myself to a better place. This could be a very difficult year for us, and I'm afraid that if it goes in that direction, I may be void of any spirituality and filled with a lot of anger. SO... I am looking for suggestions. Books to read, advice, etc... I pretty much don't spend any time or any money on myself and it is starting to show I'm afraid. I may be the only woman out there who MAYBE gets their hair done once a year. Not to mention spending money on classes or anything like that that can help improve me in many ways..... but, I don't see that changing anytime soon. So, if you have suggestions that don't cost a lot of money, that would be preferred. I feel stuck and I am determined to find a way out of it!